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Summer Transfer Update
Chelsea
What They Needed: A left back, a right winger, a center forward who scores, and the next Claude Makelele.
Did They Get It: Despite their rejection at the hands of celebrity transfer targets Andrei Shevchenko, Adriano, Ronaldinho, Steven Gerrard, Samuel Eto’o, etfuckingcetera, Chelsea had a pretty decent summer. They signed highly-regarded left back Asier Del Horno, diamond-in-the-rough midfield prospect Lasana Diarra, a genius-in-the-making in winger Shawn Wright-Phillips, and took back the deadly center forward Hernan Crespo from his loan at AC Milan. Wright-Phillips and Crespo will add goals to a team that has the best defense in England, and Mikael Essien—Makelele’s heir—is still a possibility. In short, this squad got better, and their rivals didn’t.
Arsenal
What They Needed: A goalie and a spine.
Did They Get It: At first glance, no and no. They haven’t even considered replacing the comedy platoon of Jens Lehmann and Matthew Almunia, and instead of adding muscle to a midfield full of ninnies, they sold their only intimidating player, captain Patrick Vieira, who went for ten million less than they could’ve made on him last year. Plus, they added a winger--Alexander Hleb, whose name I’m going to enjoy--to a team that already can’t accommodate Robert Pires, Freddie Ljungberg and Jose Reyes. Finally, they were rejected by A-list transfer target Julio Baptista. In May, Arsene Wenger said he had 25 million pounds to spend on transfers. Where’s the beef?
And yet. And yet. Vieira was pouty and meek last season, and his departure opens places for the youngsters Matthieu Flamini and Cesc Fabregas—a true whiz kid—as well as the emotionally uncomplicated Gilberto Silva, and maybe even Kolo Toure. Wenger sold Vieira because the unappreciative creation, the Frankenstein, sulked too much, and depressed his teammates. If the gamble works, and kids are hungry, and the team grows a “spine-by-committee,” Arsenal may have enough to exploit a Chelsea stumble. If not, then we just saw Wenger’s biggest miscalculation in his time as Arsenal’s manager.
Manchester United
What They Needed: A goalie, a winger, the next Roy Keane.
Did They Get It: The post-Schmeichel Era refuses to give way to the post-post-Schmeichel Era, and the arrival of mistake-prone goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Saar should assure that clumsy Tim Howard is back playing by November. Chelsea have the impregnable Peter Cech, while United and Arsenal stand pat with the Keystone Cops. Amazing. No wonder Jose Mourinho loves Alex Ferguson.
The other new guy, Korean winger Park Ji-Sung, will have plenty of opportunities to prove he’s the next Ryan Giggs, and not just a guy the Glazers bought to sell t-shirts in Asia. And since Chelsea priced United out of a bid for Lyon’s Mikael Essien, Ferguson will try to convert non-scoring forward Alan Smith into a holding midfielder. At least the kid has Keano’s mean streak.
Of course, a vintage season from slumping forward Ruud Van Nistelrooy would solve every problem United have. It would shelter the goalie—and the Glazers—from a storm, convince defender Rio Ferdinand to stay, and give Ferguson the time to blend his many gifted players into a system that works, which he couldn’t quite manage last season. But if Van Nistelrooy keeps faltering, and the hedge fund chiefs start screaming for their money, then Fergie’s head is on the chopping block.
Liverpool
What They Needed: A goalie, a right back, a center half with speed, one or two midfielders and a forward.
Did They Get It: The Rafael Benitez revolution, which isn’t necessarily occurring in narrative order—they already won Europe in his first year at the helm—now turns to more prosaic concerns, like coming in higher than fifth in their own league, a task which last year’s team seemed too snooty to consider. Benitez has added seven new players, like Spanish goalie Jose Reina, Chilean right back Antonio Barragan, winger Mark Gonzalez, of Uruguay, Holland journeyman Boudweijn Zenden, African midfielder Mohammed Sissoko—a blazingly good athlete—six-foot seven forward Peter Crouch, and defender Jack Hobbs, the sleeper of this potentially unwieldy group. Most of these arrivals will end up being starters, so Benitez has a brand-new team of strangers.
On the minus side, they still have Harry Kewell, who’ll probably remain on the bench with more faked injuries. Watch for him to tousle his hair during stoppages in play. He has an actressy awareness of the cutaway shot.
Further. Had Benitez been allowed to flog Steven Gerrard for the thirty-plus million Chelsea offered, he could’ve bagged A-list targets like Raul, Pablo Aimar, and defender Gabriel Milito, and the Scousers would’ve be hot on Chelsea’s heels. Expect Benitez to voice this complaint if Liverpool fail, and he leaves to coach Madrid. Still, you have to love the job he is doing. If even half these buys pan out, Liverpool will press hard for…second.
Everton
What They Needed: Class at every position.
Did They Get It: Nope.
You gotta feel for manager David Moyes. He makes the Champion’s League with a rag-tag horde of no-name grafters, but can’t augment his team with fancy players. Only the likes of Simon Davies, Alessandro Pistone and Per Kroldup have been signed. Not quite Champion’s League material. Everton will be praying that last year’s pricey washout James Beattie his recapture the goalscoring mojo, because Everton badly need goals. This team kicked its way into the Champion’s League last year, but don’t count on it happening again.
I admire David Moyes and Everton. Their accomplishment last year was remarkable. But this is a transfer update, not a courage update. What team has two Thermopylaes in two years?
Middlesbrough
What They Needed: Goals.
Did They Get It: Every year, about this time, ‘Boro buy a new center forward to solve their goalscoring drought. It’s a ritual like a raindance, but even less effective. Last year, it was Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Mark Viduka, the year before, it was Massimo Maccarone; in the Nineties, it was Fabrizio Ravanelli and Alen Boksic. This year, it’s Yakubu Ayegbini, who looked as good for Portsmouth last year as the other guys had for their teams. And as one unsayable Eastern European player departs—Szilard Nemeth—another arrives: Emmanuel Pogatetz. Same as it ever was.
Bolton Wanderers
What They Needed: A rejuvenated Jay-Jay Okocha, or something like him.
Did They Get It: Inconclusive.
Two years ago, Nigeria winger Jay-Jay Okocha carried Bolton with his feints, flicks, pace and outrageous goals. Last year, Okocha’s flame went out, reducing Bolton to scrounging goals almost exclusively from dead-balls, or the guile of problem child El-Hadji Diouf. As with Everton, Bolton may discover that teams who grimace their way to the top—or at least, to the UEFA Cup—often can’t sustain their rage for more than a season. Manager Sam Allardyce, a genius at acquiring aging former A-list talent, signed Mexican goal machine Jared Borgetti, the best-kept secret in North America. Borgetti should insure about a sixth-place finish, but Okocha could push them all the way to fifth.
Aston Villa
What They Needed: A new chairman
Did They Get It: These days, when the old men of Birmingham tell their grandkids that Villa won the Champion’s League once, nobody believes them. The chairman, Doug Ellis, simply will not spend, leaving David O’Leary, the manager, to forage for scraps, like grumpy forward Milan Baros, his current object of desire, who spurned Aston Villa for Schalke, of the German Bundesliga. Villa’s only hope may be to find a young Wayne Rooney in their youth team, flog him to Chelsea for thirty million pounds, and blow the windfall on new players. Absent that, they’ll suffice on Eric Djemba-Djemba. Yipes.
Newcastle United
What They Needed: Twelve new players, a manager and a chairman
Did They Get It: Thankfully no, because the Geordie’s perpetual self-destruction is one of football’s greatest pleasures. Newcastle posses more loons than HBO. A wasted gangsta-wannabee—Kieron Dyer—who’s snorted away all his talent. An aging all-time great—Alan Shearer—who barrenly carries the load on his own, having turned down several chances to join Man Utd, and win more than empty plaudits. An injury-prone prodigy—Jermaine Jenas—who’s one good performance away from demanding to be sold. A readhead—Lee Bowyer—who is criminally insane. An angst-ridden veteran—Nicky Butt—who just wants out. An overmatched manager—Graeme Souness—who’s more combustible than his players. A center-half—Titus Bramble—whose defending transcends treason. And a chairman—Freddie Shepard—whose Midas touch turns everything to shit. It makes no difference who gets added to this mix; the incipient bad juju will consume them. Solid new midfielders Scott Parker, and the Scrabble-winner Emre Belozoglu, won’t be enough to lift the curse.
Tottenham Hotspur
What They Needed: Experience.
Did They Get It: In my first draft of this update, I wrote that Spurs’ young core of veterans Paul Robinson, Ledley King, Michael Carrick and Jermaine Defoe could use a veteran to add some stability. The next day, they set their sights on aging icon Edgar Davids. Davids is a superstar: a vicious-tackling, sunglasses-wearing, match-winning player with fabulous dreadlocks. Everybody loves and fears him. Spurs have bagged a load of youngsters, like Paul Saltieri, Aaron Lennon, the wonderfully named Teemu Tainio, Wayne Rootledge and Tom Huddlestone, and Davids would complement them perfectly. If Spurs can get him, they’ll be the summer’s biggest winners, after Chelsea.
Charlton Athletic
What They Needed: Someone to stop their annual second-half slide.
Did They Get It: If you’ve read this far, you know that Charlton always start off strong, but crash out in the last weeks of the season. A victim of his own success, longtime manager Alan Curbishley has successfully changed the club from overachievers to underachievers. Thus have recent buys like Dennis Rommedahl and Danny Murphy made Charlton good enough to be not quite good enough. Don’t expect the new guy, Russian midfielder Alexi Smertin, to change the plot, though he’s a fine enough player in his own right, like everyone else Curbishley buys.
West Bromwich Albion
What They Needed: Anything and everything
Did They Get It: This depends on how bad the promoted sides are. Manager Bryan Robson performed a miracle last season when he somehow rescued West Brom—and his own reputation—from the drop. He’ll be hoping to keep winger Kieron Richardson on loan from Man Utd, and the capture of talented goalie Chris Kirkland from Liverpool should also help, as he has something to prove, after losing three season to injuries.
Birmingham
What They Needed: Mikael Forssell and Walter Pandiani
Did They Get It: Yes and no. Two years ago, Finnish forward Mikael Forssell went to Birmingham on loan, and embarked on a goal-scoring rampage. Then he missed all of last year with an injury, leaving only the barren Emile Heskey to pick up the slack. Now, Forssel’s back, and manager Steve Bruce will be thrilled, for goals are hard to come by for a team whose biggest aspiration is to finish in the top half of the table.
The other half of this would-be, two-headed strike force is Walter Pandiani, who scored four times in his half-season loan from Deportivo la Coruna. Bruce is desperate to keep Pandiani, but the player is passive-aggressively courting other teams, and Birmingham may give up.
Portsmouth
What They Needed: To keep Yakubu Ayegbini
Did They Get It: Yakubu’s goals were the biggest single reason Pompey escaped the drop last year, so what did lunatic chairman Milan Mandaric do? He sold Yakubu. The new arrival, problem child Laurent Robert, the biggest underachiever every born in France—Ginola without the hair—will only hurt. Like West Brom, they’ll be praying the new teams suck.
Fulham
What They Needed: A time machine
Did They Get It: Time was, Fulham were the cool promoted team, with a sexy French manager in Jean Tigana, up-and-coming players with lovely names like Louis Saha, Steed Malbranque and Sylvain Legwinski, and enough hipster cache that when my journalist friend Ian started following English football, he supported Fulham. Then, owner Mohammed El-Fayed’s largesse dried up, Tigana was canned and sued the team, Steven Marlet bombed, Louis Saha was poached, Andy Cole came and went, and though another wonderfully-named player—Papa Boupa Diop—has settled in, the manager, Chris Coleman, squints forlornly toward the distance now, wondering at what could have been. This team has too much talent to be relegated, but not enough to finish near the top.
West Ham
What They Needed: No deja vu
Did They Get It: West Ham are the most loved and venerable team to ever get relegated from the Premiership. Now they’re back again, and hoping that new defenders Daniel Gabbidon, James Collins and Paul Konchesky—a Hammers youth team product—will stabilize the team at the back. Defending has never been West Ham’s strength, and entrusting the future to Premiership debutantes seems not too smart to me. Hammers fans despise the manager Alan Pardew, and when he signs players like goalie Roy Carroll, you can see why.
Blackburn Rovers
What They Needed: A rethink, or an improvement on their presentthink.
Did They Get It: Blackburn Rovers are the dirtiest team in England. It’s a scientific fact that they land twenty rabbit punches for every goal they score. You can look it up. The manager, Mark Hughes—a tough-guy forward in his playing days—has shored up both these areas—fisticuffs and goals—by signing jet-heeled sleazebag Craig Bellamy, who got run out of Newcastle last year, a pretty big accomplishment, when you consider who’s still there. He sets up more goals than he scores, and starts more fights with teammates than opponents; he sent insulting text-messages to Shearer when Newcastle lost in the UEFA Cup. He’s a kind of trans-narcissistic object for Hughes, who must see visions of himself when he looks at the player. But Bellamy is no Mark Hughes, he’s the biggest jerk in English football, and his arrival at Rovers makes this dull and relegation-threatened team a new beachhead for gossip.
Man City
What They Needed: To keep Shaun Wright-Phillips
Did They Get It: City’s plans for the 05-06 season were torpedoed when Chelsea swooped for winger Shaun Wright-Phillips. Stuart Pearce, the manager, must now find a way not to waste his twenty-odd million pounds.
The name “Shaun Wright-Phillips” has too many syllables to fit in a sentence.
City have acquired veteran forwards Andy Cole and Darius Vassell to compensate for heavy-drinking, do-nothing striker Robbie Fowler. The only thing Fowler scores these days is coke. Pearce himself was City’s best acquisition; when Kevin Keegan did what he always does—quit after screwing up his team—Pearce transformed City from flaky to dependable and solid. He has another miracle to work this year.
Sunderland
What They Needed: Luck
Did They Get It: Promoted Sunderland do not have a Premiership-caliber team. Their roster is filled with guys who seem to relegated every season: Gary Breen, Matthew Piper, Steven Caldwell, Jonathan Stead, Julio Arca, and especially Mick McCarthy, the manager. They could use an Andy Johnson-type player, someone who gets goals for bad teams, be they from diving or any other sundry method. Sadly, Milan Baros just got sold. Maybe they could get, like, Johnny Hartson. Or Paolo Di Canio.
Wigan
What They Needed: Experience and talent
Did They Get It: Wigan are favorites for the drop. They are the weakest and least-experienced of the three promoted teams. They added geezer defender Stephone Henchoz, who moves about as quickly as a sculpture. They also bagged a wing-back from Tranmere named Ryan Taylor. Go Ryan Taylor!
Wigan begin their season at Stamford Bridge. No where to go but up after that! And down.
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